A Reader Writes:

My relatively new manager keeps asking me personal questions, especially in our 1 on 1s, which I’d rather not discuss with her. How do I avoid it gracefully?

Dear Reader,

The approach you should take depends on the type of questions she is asking you.  If the questions are inappropriate, such as, “How is your marriage?” there are gracious ways to set boundaries while maintaining a good relationship.  The next time she asks, you can say jokingly, “I can see where that would be an interesting topic but I’d much rather share my progress on my current project.”  If she is overly patronizing regarding a family matter that she may have learned about (or that you shared with her at an earlier time but now regret doing so) it’s perfectly fine to say “Thanks for asking.  I find it uncomfortable to talk about that, please don’t be offended.”

If the questions are in the realm of typical social discourse, such as inquiring about your weekend plans or what you did on vacation, there seems to be a style difference between you and your new manager.   It sounds like your previous manager respected your boundaries and did not ask personal questions.   Your new manager, however, may not yet understand your need for privacy. But there is another explanation to consider which could help you align your styles.  Your new manager could be insecure and not sure if you like her or if you are happy in your role.  If this is the case, your manager may be looking for various ways to relate to you and there is little harm in indulging her with superficial answers so she feels you are OK with her and your position. She will likely respect your boundaries in the future.

A Reader Writes:

As an IT support tech in my company, I visit many senior manager offices to fix their equipment.  While in their offices, most managers make small talk with me while I am working on their problem. One particular senior manager always makes remarks about my appearance with such things like “those slacks are so slimming on you!” or “what have you changed in your diet to look so good today!”  I get so angry at her that I want to go to HR and complain, but she is the head of HR.  How can I get her to stop?

Dear Reader,

The Navigator would like to challenge the two assumptions in your question. First, reporting things to HR is not an effective strategy to improving your employee experience. The Navigator’s views on this are well known:  Human Resources are not your advocate.  They are an agency of the company.  Involving HR in most circumstances should only be considered after you have tried many different approaches at your disposal to remedy a situation.   Your second assumption is that leaders in an org chart are more appropriate in their people skills than those with lesser titles.  If any example is to be learned here, it is that you have been shown how not to treat other employees.  When you one day become a leader, you will treat people with respect and bring out the best in them.

Next time the Head of HR says a patronizing remark to you (and no one else is around), calmly say “I know you are well-intentioned when you remark on my appearance, but I am not comfortable with it.  Maybe we could talk about other things as I get your laptop up to speed?”

Even if she responds defensively, she will hesitate to do it in the future.